This article follows our article “The 5 pillars for a peaceful parent-child relationship”, in which we explored the first 3 pillars:
- 1er Pillar – Understand the impact of our own past… and the mechanisms of our brain,
- 2th Pillar – Learn to decode the behavior of the child and welcome the emotions,
- 3th Pillar – Eliminate power relations to promote natural cooperation.
We will see today the 4th and 5th pillars:
- 4th Pillar – Promote autonomy, confidence and self-esteem
- 5th Pillar – Learn to better manage jealousies and rivalries among siblings
So let’s go straight to 4th pillar…
4th Pillar for a peaceful parent-child relationship – Promoting autonomy, confidence and self-esteem
What is certain is that by applying the first 3 pillars, you are already helping to build your children’s confidence and esteem much more.
But there are plenty of other things you can do to further enhance your children’s “inner security.”
We are also going to let Isabelle talk to you about two capital elements : the richness of the bond of attachment and satisfaction of the needs for autonomy and exploration of your child:
Thank you Isabelle for all this information!
Now let us unveil a major tool to boost your children’s inner security… while busting a myth.
As was the case for us, many parents, for lack of having been sufficiently valued by their own parents… do the opposite with their children and use the huge congratulations :
“It’s very good, you’re beautiful, you’re the best, your drawing is beautiful, etc. “.
They are certain, by doing this, to boost the confidence of their child…
but unfortunately this is not the case!
Because a congratulation is still a judgement!
A positive judgment, but still a judgment, an evaluation made by the parent on the child.
While clearly, only non-judgment builds trust.
As soon as we congratulate our child, as soon as we say “That’s good! …that means maybe it could be “wrong” another time.
In fact, the more we make evaluations, the more we make judgments, the more we put ourselves in the way of their creativity, of their freedom…
gold confidence and self-esteem can only be built on a foundation of freedom.
So the key is to describe rather than praise, making us more interested in what the child has just done.
Rather than receiving the drawing and saying:
“Oh, your drawing is very beautiful, I’m going to put it up on the fridge!” »,
I take the child’s drawing and I can say:
” Oh ! I see a lot of colors! There is yellow and there green and here there is a red circle and I see this line here it is more marked than the others…”… I describe !
In fact, I really take the time to look at what’s on paper, I don’t do evaluations. ” Is this good ? Is it wrong? Is it beautiful? Is it ugly?”,
I don’t rate, I don’t comment other than fair “Here is what I observe” and suddenly the child perceives that we are taking the time and that we are really interested in what is on paper.
So during the next football match of one, the next cube tower of another, a drawing or even when your child sets the table, try description instead of congratulations.
Observe his face, his gaze and even his body.
You may be surprised to see it recover!
In the support program, Isabelle Filliozat proposes many other tools to improve our children’s confidence and self-esteem, two of the essential elements for a fulfilling social life… which are unfortunately lacking in the majority of adults today!
The 5th applies only to parents with several children… let’s go!
5th Pillar for a peaceful parent-child relationship:
Learn to better manage jealousies and rivalries among siblings
If you have multiple children, you know what we’re talking about:
it is only at the birth of the second that we realize that in addition to having to manage our own stress and our emotions, and manage those of our children…
we now have to reckon with jealousy, rivalries and incessant disputes among the siblings!
Sometimes we feel like it never ends!!
However, there are techniques that work very well!
Tested and approved with our 3 children!
When there is conflict in a sibling, we generally speak of jealousy as a negative thing. While finally jealousy is something perfectly natural.
When the eldest was your only child, all the space, all the attention was for him…
Then comes another baby and there… the eldest perceives that, even if mom says that her heart grows as the number of children grows,
the reality is that, even so, Mom she has much less time for me,
Dad also he has a lot less time for me and it’s all because of this little baby.
So this little baby, well, I don’t really want it at home!
Even if in another part of me, I can love this little brother or this little sister… he still deprives me of a piece of my attachment figure.
In fact Jealousy in children is above all the fear of losing their attachment figure, the fear of not being loved or no longer being loved.
And then, it’s not necessarily easier to be the middle child, or the youngest…
And it is very often useful to dive back into the story of our own childhood to understand the relationships we have with one or other of our children and the “rubber bands” that bring us back to the place we occupied in our own siblings.
In any case, the question that certainly burns your lips is:
“In case of conflict between brothers and sisters should I intervene or not? And if yes, how ? »…
Let’s try to answer it:
You have certainly already noticed, when there is an argument:
- shout a “Stop immediately!” »,
- look for a culprit
- take the defense of one or the other,
- make them feel guilty,
- force them to agree or share,
- Or punish them…
…only makes the situation worse, damages your children and your relationship.
So of course, we intervene when there is physical violence and they risk getting hurt…
But we intervene simply by intervening, putting ourselves at their level and saying “Stop! »,
Then using conflict resolution method which we will see right after…
Once everyone has calmed down of course!
We also and especially intervene when we know that our children have not yet acquired the relational skills necessary to manage the conflict themselves.
We come to teach them these skills, which will allow us later to have much less need to intervene!
The 4 steps recommended by Isabelle Filliozat to teach your children conflict resolution:
1- I say “Stop! and I describe:
“I see two children fighting over the same book. How can we solve this problem? »
That alone will often be enough.
Because at that moment, the children see what is happening, become aware of the mounting tension… and they can, on their own, begin to find solutions.
2- The second step is to invite them to find at least 10 solutions, even the craziest ones!
If they can’t find enough, you can help them, and suggest solutions, at least 3.
The risk if we only suggest one solution is that the child will take our solution because he thinks it’s the best… that’s normal, it’s Dad’s!
Whereas if you suggest at least 3 solutions, the child is forced to choose among the three and therefore it is he who decides for himself.
3- Once they have their solutions, you can say
“Okay here are the children now we have a problem, two children who want the same stuffed animal and we have 10 solutions… let’s evaluate each of these 10 solutions”.
And the children examine the different solutions together, looking at the advantages and disadvantages of each.
Then we let them decide “What is the solution you want to choose now? “.
Once they have chosen a solution, we check with each child:
” It suits you ? “, “Yes”, “Does it suit you too? “, “Yes”, “OK I trust you to implement it and we will meet again in an hour to see how this solution works”.
4- Sometimes it doesn’t work the first time, but they have a list of 9 other solutions, so you can suggest that they experiment with another one!
In any case, you will have taught the children to use conflict to solve a problem and these problem-solving skills will serve them for a lifetime!
It’s up to you, the next dispute that arises, test and try to practice this new track.
You will certainly discover how creative and eager your children are to resolve their differences.
In the support program, Isabelle Filliozat reviews the origins of the main types of conflict between siblings:
- Conflicts resulting from a need for attention,
- Territorial disputes,
- those due to differences in temperament,
- those due to voltage discharges, etc.
…and of course, it also provides the tools to deal with it ! 😉
If you want to go further and get rid of the cries, the crises and the misunderstandings!
Let yourself be guided “step by step” by Isabelle Filliozat through:
- 6 thematic modules (each comprising 10 video chapters)
- 12 additional Bonus chapters,
- More than 60 working documents including numerous exercises to put Isabelle’s teachings into practice,
- Many bonuses and additional content.
> Discover new tools, new skills and adopt new attitudes… to a more serene family life.
> Develop a healthy relationship with your children and provide an environment that allows them to grow and blossom fully!
To celebrate the new year, but above all to support you during this complicated period, we offer you, for a few days only:
- A reduction of 100€ on the formula of your choice (thanks to the promo code “BONNEANNEE”), i.e. €397 (instead of
497€) for the VIP package and €297 (instead of 397€) for the Premium plan.
- A completely new Bonus: the possibility of taking part in one of Isabelle Filliozat’s 6 “small committee lives”, which will soon be organized around the 6 main themes of the program.
Of course, the “replays” of these lives will then be accessible to all members.
This special “New Year” offer is only available from January 23 to 30, 2022!
If you want to register… do not be too long !