(On the occasion of this week of preferential rates “back to school 2021″ on our program ” Growing Up and Raising as a Family “, we are happy to offer you, at the bottom of this article, 2 documents from this program, related to the topic of this article)
What to do when your child says “no” to everything?
When he has fits of rage?
When he hits, bites, insults other children?
We feel so helpless
We can repeat it, explain it to him, put ourselves at his level …
He continues to categorically refuse to put on his shoes, wash his hands, or go to the bath.
He hits, bites, insults all the more.
Until we finally raise our voices.
It ends in a battle of screams.
He washes his hands, stops hitting.
But at what cost…
Today we open the big topic of the crisis and the intense emotional reactions.
And to understand it well, I (Camille) will tell you the story of a … crack in a ceiling.
(I assure you there is a link)
The Paint Bucket Strategy
When I was a student, I visited a “refurbished” apartment.
It was on the top floor of an old building, which belonged entirely to my owner.
He smelled of fresh paint.
Honestly, I was amazed to find an apartment full of character and refurbished rented to students.
Good for me … my file is passed, I settled down.
I loved living in this apartment.
The first 6 months …
And, one day, I detected a crack in the bedroom ceiling.
Nothing serious for an old building… I said to myself.
But the crack has widened.
The white ceiling turned yellow.
And one stormy summer night, I was woken up with a start by a drop on my pillow.
IT WAS RAINING ON MY BED!
I warned my landlord.
Once, twice, ten times, TWENTY times.
His answer was eternally the same: “Don’t worry, I’ll watch this”
When I had to shift my bed and install a permanent bucket to retrieve the trickle of water that flowed from the ceiling on rainy days …
I gave my notice and stopped paying my rent.
And one day, I understood.
I caught my landlord in the act.
=> He was repainting the apartment opposite, for the second time in 6 months!
My dear landlord therefore preferred to rent short-term apartments to hide the poverty and repaint the cracks, between two rentals.
Rather than tackling the TRUE problem : change the broken tiles on the roof!
Surely that sounds absurd to you, doesn’t it?
But you, me and the rest of humanity use the Paint Bucket Strategy every day.
We constantly repaint cracks …
- when you find a ready-made excuse to skip dinner (instead of assuming you don’t want to),
- when we reproach our partner for not having emptied the dishwasher (instead of asking him how we can organize to share the tasks),
- And when we try to change the “excessive” behavior of our child… instead of understanding where it comes from.
… Instead of us attack at true problem.
And that’s normal!
It’s so much easier to point the finger at the boring evening, the dishwasher, or our child’s “overreaction”.
Because that’s what you see.
This is what bothers us.
But as you put a new coat of paint on trying to change your child’s behavior or stop the seizure (which you can see) …
The crack gets bigger and ready to shower you generously at the slightest clap of thunder.
So, if you are ready …
Let’s go for a walk on the roof (to find the true causes of your child’s excessive behavior)
The crisis, the excessive anger, the violence, the intense emotion of your child are cracks.
Punishing, shouting, demanding of him to stop his behavior are more or less effective paint cans.
So, if you have had enough of “repainting cracks”, it is high time to turn to the true cause of your child’s “excessive” behavior.
Your child is not testing your limits.
If he hits his brother, if he refuses to put on his shoes, it’s not to bother you.
He just has a hidden need, which is not sated.
The problem ?
He doesn’t know how to express it well.
His brain is not mature enough to decode and satisfy his need on its own.
It is up to us, parents, to understand this need in order to meet it.
And then, to teach him to manage it on his own.
(This is also the subject of our next email)
How to repair damaged tiles? (Learn to decode your needs)
Let’s take an example.
Why does your child need to hit his brother / a boyfriend?
Here’s what you could explore:
1. He may need some attention from you or his brother / boyfriend.
2. He may need to protect his territory (his room, his things).
3. He may need to express his difference in temperament.
4. Maybe he wants his brother’s toy, and isn’t expressing it the right way.
5. He may also need to relieve stress from his day.
Here you have five avenues to explore during the next conflict between your children.
Our role as a parent, who “repairs broken tiles”, is to respond to this need, or simply to recognize it:
- Already, by learning to identify it.
- Then, by helping your child to express his need, so that it becomes automatic for him.
Today, I am always impressed when Lou manages to tell me:
“Mom, now I feel like I’m going to crack, I need to calm down. I’m going to go draw in my room and then maybe we can talk about that? ”
All of this can be learned.
There are many tools to try out to find what works in your family.
From today, you can have access to effective tools to recognize the hidden needs of your children..
You will see how much it will help you to express your own needs (we have our tiles, too!) …
And you will see how rewarding it is to improve, to build together, as a Family.
If you are interested, we strongly recommend that you take a look at our Grow and Rise as a Family program.
Decode them needs hidden behind your children’s behaviors and emotional reactions is precisely one of the subjects explored in Module 1 of the first part of the program.
(hence the impossibility of explaining everything to you in a single email!)
This program gives you the tools to build a united and supportive family team, respectful of everyone’s needs and emotions (including parents).
A team that tests and grows, together.
The first part of the program “I understand and support my child’s seizures” is made up of 3 modules:
- Module 1: At the origin of most of my child’s crises, I identify unmet needs,
- Module 2: I manage emotional tornadoes, effectively and with kindness,
- Module 3: I discover what is happening in his brain. Information that helps me let go.
“At the end of this first part, your child’s emotional crises will no longer scare you! You will be able to decode most of his behaviors by understanding the “unmet needs” hidden behind his excesses. You will discover many resources and acquire new skills to support him with kindness during these emotional tornadoes ”
To give you a small overview, we invite you to download 2 of the 10 PDF documents that accompany the videos of the first part of the program: